Hilarious Thanksgiving

    Thanksgiving is closing in and I wanna share something that happened one Thanksgiving a few years back.

     Of course it was a typical Thanksgiving day. Skip forward to the cooking. The food is halfway done. When my bird Max comes flying into the kitchen. She crawled out from a crack underneath my door. This was first of many escapes from her. She landed in the mash potatoes. Did I mention that my four cats and dog was also inside? A flying bird certainly got the cats attention. Though she didn't end up as Thanksgiving snack. I grabbed her from the mash potatoes and took her to my room and stuck her in the cage. She didn't like that. She called be a 'bitch'. The mash potatoes were thrown out and the bowl placed in the sink. Fresh mash potatoes were made. The cats and dog were getting antsy with the smell. Finally everything was done and we sit down to eat. The dog on floor with Buttercup, Socks on the chair with my sister, and Shadow and Moonshine were on the table....were the food was trying to take food from out plates. Buttercup and Bandit were kinda the smart ones. The turkey was kept on top the stoves. Buttercup jumps on the counter and Bandit stands on his hind legs. Mama jumps up and puts the turkey back inside the oven. Socks jumps over on mama's chair and just takes her slips of turkey before we even had a chance to react without even touching anything else on her plate though she did give the cats and Bandit the remains of her plate anyway and slips of turkey so that we can finish eating in peace.
    Thanksgiving is especially a challenge if you have pets and you could wind up with a funny memory that will last a lifetime. But you wouldn't change a thing. 

Classic Cartoons

     The controversy continues over the classics and how they influence the kids.
     The newest aimed is the lovable Winnie the Pooh all 'cause he only in a shirt. Its a silent way of saying going half naked is OK. That's what their basically saying. The PARENTS are the one's that buys their kids clothes. DON'T BUY CLOTHES THAT SHOWS EXCESSIVE SKIN FOR KIDS. He's a teddy bear for crying out loud. If your kid is going half naked, I think the parents are to blame. I think Mari Stroman McGoldrick (facebook) says it best: Donald Duck don''t wear pants either and neither does his nephews. Minnie and Daisy's dresses are really short. Bugs and Daffy are naked with the exception of costumes and wearing drag. Then there's Betty Boop and her infamous sexy red dress. Tom & Jerry and their fights. Road Runner & Wile E. Coyote. The list just goes on and on into the Disney realm. Ariel changes herself for a guy.
     The most cartoons today are just completely ridiculous and highly stupid. If you're kids don't realize that cartoons are just that, cartoons. They're not real. Then that fault lies with the parents who's kids have hurt themselves mimicking the classics.
      The classics will ALWAYS be the best.

Balance

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and the Antarctica in the South will be very cold. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. God continued, pointing to different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large area and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. That's the SOUTH, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from there are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. A truly great people."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE."

God replied wisely..."Wait until you see the loudmouth obnoxious people I'm putting north of them.

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Kick Your A**

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kickyour ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, LutherRay, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis,etc.). Or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever -- it's still just a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended -- with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern shit holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense not to live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Newark. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DON'T DARE come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you snowbirds come down here at all. Criticize our barbeque, and you will go home in a pine box -- minus your ass.

http://www.confederateamericanpride.com/humor.html